walking in victory

I think I’m going to try to start blogging again.  I want there to be records of what the Lord is doing/has done.  At the moment, he has called me out of a paid full-time teaching position to be mommy and wife.  Well, he’s called me to be so much more during this season, and I am looking forward to discovering all that includes.

My ladies have prayed over me and prophesied over me and encouraged me.

I am a tree, with VERY deep roots that reach to places they have never been.  Praise the Lord for what he has established in me!  I know that I know that he exists, that he is a loving father, and that never leaves me.  Because of my deep roots, I will grow tall quickly, reaching for the Son, even jumping to get as close as I can.  I will have time to grow strong because I am intertwined with others who constantly support me throughout whatever comes at me.  The same is true for them, that they have my full support no matter how the wind may bend them or the storms may rage.

I am a radiant woman, who walks confidently between her husband and child, looking up to the Son, as I leave a trail of life and beauty in my wake.

This next season/phase/stage of life is going to be beautiful.  And it has started today.  And I have no clue what I’m doing, or what it’s supposed to look like for me on a day in, day out basis.  I guess I have big picture visions in my head, but not a routine I can start.  Hmm, now we’re getting somewhere.  Because even as I type, I know what the Lord has put on my heart for now.  I need to pray for each student I had this past school year, maybe even others I have had in the past, and seek God for an encouragement, or word for them, and then write it in a letter to them.  I know I need to spend a lot of time on my knees.  I know God wants to do something new in my marriage – we’re celebrating 7 years in a week.

So, while I don’t necessarily have enough to start a new routine that I will follow for the next 3-9 months, I certainly have enough to do for the next couple of days/weeks.  I know the Lord is faithful to show me what I need to be doing.

There are lots of instructions about what is unclean, and how to keep from becoming unclean, and if you become unclean what to do about it so that you may be clean again, etc.  If you touch a dead animal, you become unclean.  If you touch a person who is unclean, you become unclean.  The unclean-ness gets passed from one thing to the next.  Except in the case of the Lord.  If you are unclean, and you try to touch something or someone that is holy, set apart for the Lord, you get cut off from among the people or killed.

I guess what the Lord showed me was that He cannot be defiled.  And the things that are holy, set apart for the Lord, cannot be defiled.  So be holy as He is holy!  Set yourself apart for the Lord!

Last night will be considered another turning point . . . at least I pray that it will.  So much happened.  It was really good to hear.  It was healing.

“If we sent anybody, it would be you (as a commendation).”  Really?  Full agreement from the body.  Take-my-breath-away WOW!

A word from the Lord, “This is what you were created for, what you were created to do.  This is who I made you to be – a prayer warrior, an intercessor.  You were made to be on your knees in the trenches.”  What PEACE!  Yes, Lord.  That is where I want to be – right where you created me to fit perfectly.

And the apology . . . the one that was meant for everyone.  And that’s why the Lord had it done publicly, because now healing will occur not just in me, not just in the 2 of us, but because God is doing something so much bigger, because he always is.  It never is just about us.

Lest I forget, the prayers of the saints, the righteous men, whose prayers are powerful and effective.  They are effective.  I must continue to pray, as was affirmed earlier in the evening in myself, to intercede on behalf of her, that she might choose LIFE.

So many things were done in the Spirit last night.  I wanted to document, sort of as an alter, a place where I, or others, can go back and remember what the Lord has done, and then see how far the Lord has brought us since this time.  He is always good.  Always.

And yes . . . I will change my blog’s title.  I’m certain that I am a different person than I was when I started this blog, and I understand now why some people I know have new names.  The Lord knows mine!

There are several turning points that I can look at over the last few years in my journey as significant, life-changing, and, well, points where there has been a turn down a different road than the one I was on.  Praise God for turning points.

The first, most significant in just the last few years would definitely be when I was cut in half with a sword – a splitting in two, a cutting, a decision to leave the dead part lying on the floor and get up and walk away – to step into life where the Holy Spirit fills me, not wars with the other half of me.  I believe that same night was when the brothers and sisters gathered around me and prayed for the baptism of the Spirit.  I have never been the same since.

The next point that sticks out in my mind, a hinge if you will, is the night I sat and wept at my husbands feet.  He is my head, my covering, my one and only love outside of Christ.  To obey God is to obey him, and to obey him is to obey God.  He is my refuge, my sanity when emotions and hormones overtake me.  He is a blessing from the Lord, and for me to sit anywhere else other than in submission to him is not life.

Thinking about how to describe the difference these points have made in my life, I thought about being carried down stream by a pretty powerful river.  It’s very easy to just be carried to wherever the river goes.  In fact, I don’t have to do anything except keep my head above water.  However, at each of these points, it’s like trying to swim over to the bank, except to get out where you’re supposed to, the point at which you barely glimpse the peaceful meadow, you have to basically swim both across the river, and upstream to get out.  And I don’t really know how to swim.  I would drown in a situation like that.  And were it not for the grace of God, I would have done so at these turning points as well, but the Lord gave me glimpses or promises of these peaceful green pastures that he wanted me in and then has helped me get to them.

He is still doing these works.  He’s not done yet.  I’m sure there are other turning points.  I have had a baby, but that wasn’t as huge of a “point” as I thought it would be (much more a very slow, gradual process).  But interestingly enough, the other 2 have been during one of our house church meetings.

I guess more recently, I would say this past trip to RCV has been a turning point.  How much do I love the body?  How much am I truly going to follow all that the Lord says?  Am I going to lay down my life for a friend?  If so, my days look different from what they were.  My attitude is going to be different.  In fact, I could say my attitude has got to go.  There should be no attitude – except maybe having the same attitude/mind that Christ had when he became nothing, laying down his rights, and his life, for his friends.  That means I lay down my rights – what I am entitled to as a human being, as a mother, as a wife, as a woman, as a friend, as a roommate, as someone with my personality – and give all of myself, everything, every breath and ounce of energy for everyone else.

How blessed it is when brothers live together in unity – because it’s okay for me to give up everything for everyone else.  I have brothers and sisters who are doing the same thing for me.  My needs are taken care of – I am taken care of.  No need to be selfish for my own space, or my own time.

Continue to refine me, Lord, and change me from glory to glory.

so, I’ve been in a mode for the last . . . maybe couple of weeks . . . where I feel the need to “deal with” and “work through” just about everything.  I’m kind of tired.  It’s really exhausting analyzing everything, and it really just keeps you tense all the time – even if you are doing things to try to help yourself relax.

anyway, I’ve realized in the last couple of hours, what I really want, and need, is to just let go and have a little fun.  I need to not worry about what other people think of me letting go and having fun.  I really need to have that feeling of enjoyment and pleasure in a good, clean, honest, anybody could participate kind of way.

tonight’s task – plan a fun date (as opposed to a romantic date)!

everybody else needs to try their best to help me remember to let go and just enjoy myself in whatever it is I’m doing.  Thanks for the reminders in advance!

I’ve been thinking a lot about faith, trust, and belief a lot recently.

If we say we believe God, or believe that He will do something (like when we ask for healing), why do we/I continue to wonder whether or not he will do it?  If a child asks for some juice, and his mom has told him over and over and over again that if he asks, she will get it for him, does he wonder every time if she will really get him juice?  Not usually.  He asks for juice, mom says sure, and the juice eventually ends up in the child’s hands.  The thing is, there’s usually this waiting period where the mom has to go get a cup and the juice out of the fridge and pour the juice, put the juice contianer back, put a lid on the cup depending on the child’s age, and then take it to the waiting child, who could be in another part of the house.  As children get older, they have more experience with mom getting them juice when they ask, and they stop asking incessantly (like they do when they are very young).  They belive that mom will do what she said she will do.

Does not God love us more than our own parents, or more than we love our children (I know, I don’t have any yet, so I suppose I don’t know this love yet)?  And yet we ask for things that the Lord says to ask for, say that we believe God will do it, and then continue on wondering if God really will.  I mean, after all, he doesn’t heal in every circumstance, right?  And, after all, he doesn’t keeep everyone safe from harm, or there wouldn’t be martyrs.

Don’t get me wrong.  I understand that the scripture that says ask and you will receive really says ask and keep asking until you receive, etc.  I’m not saying we should ask for something one time and then expect God to just do whatever we want him to in every situation.  What I am saying is that I tend to ask ofr healing from the Lord, or even for the body to pray over me for healing in a certain area, and then wonder if God really wants to, or will do it in this case in me EVERY TIME.  My thoughts recently have centered on whether or not I truly believe God.  Do I believe He wants to heal me, even if I’m not sure if there is a bladder infection, but there could be one starting?  If I pray, and get my husband to pray, and I really believe that God hears us and does what we ask according to his word and in His name, then I should act as though it is already done.

Let’s go back the the juice example again.  The child asks for juice.  If the child really believes that mom is getting the juice or will get the juice, the child can go ahead and say thank you.  He knows he will get juice.  The task is already set in motion.  He can be grateful that he has a mother who cares enough for him that she provides for all his needs.  Now, a 3, 4, or 5 year old can’t really express these things, and probably isn’t aware of all these things, but as adult believers in an almighty, all powerful, good and loving Father, we can.   If we believe that God can heal us, and has a desire to heal us, then we need to act as though he is healing/ has healed us.  It might be a long process, and we can continue to ask and remind the Lord of what he has said (“when 2 or more are gathered,” “when we ask according to your Word,” etc.), but I believe we need to start acting like God has heard us and is already doing/has already done what we asked.

I’m thinking that the reality probably goes something like this.  We just aren’t sure that God heard us, or wants to give us what we asked, so we don’t He’s done it.  Therefore, we live as though he hasn’t.  Go back to the juice example.  Mom is getting juice for her child.  It’s all prepared.  She even brings it to him and sets it on the table as he eats dinner.  The juice is right there.  But as long as the child doesn’t see it, or believe that it’s there, he will keep wanting, and possibly asking for juice.  He may even see the juice, but not believe that his mom got it for him, reasoning away that she’s a good mom, and she probably got that for my sibling or herself, or a guest, or whomever.  We would think the child rediculous.  We would hold the juice right in front of the child’s face and say, “here’s the juice you asked for.”  But as long as that child doesn’t believe that juice is his, he’s going to remain thirsty and in want.

In summary, pray, ask, keep asking, and live as though you already have what you’ve asked for.  That’s real faith, belief, and even trust.

I’m grieving the loss of something.

It’s causing me to grieve some of those things that I haven’t grieved in a while, like my grandfather passing.

It’s not a bad time, just a part of life where everything is changing, and there’s no way to return to life as it used to be.  Not that there isn’t something better, deeper, even more meaningful on the other side of this change – but there’s still a grieving process that I’m going through.

And I have learned from a very wise friend, when grief hits, just give yourself time and space to grieve.  Go ahead and grieve when it hits.  It’s healthy, and it’s healing.

I’m trying!

I totally snapped the other night.  It was like this monster just flew out of my mouth, and as it did it ripped through me so that all I felt was this immediate, intense rage. . . and then shock, horror, regret, confusion . . .

Obviously, what followed was an argument, with repeated apologies on my part, in addition to repeated foul language and berratings (of both of us).  At one point, I put myself down really hard, and the Lord immediately let me know that I was not to talk about one if his own in such a way.  I stopped, apologized, took some deep breaths, and tried to look again at what the real issues were.  It became increasingly difficult to focus on the conversation at hand, as the conversation in my head grew louder and more harsh.  Thank you God that you allow me to be able to sleep sometimes.

I wasn’t much better that next morning.  I felt completely out of control of my emotions.  It’s a thought that scares me.  Irrational people are, by definition, not rational.  I hate being in a place where I can say and do things that even I know don’t make any sense whatsoever.

Anyway, the Lord gave me enough grace to put on my spiritual armor, and that helped a lot.  I also asked the Lord to call his saints to pray for me.

While I really feel that this particular episode had almost completely to do with hormones and their normal cycle, I don’t think it’s ever really only chemicals or hormones.  The devil will take any opportunity he can get his hands on.  And the Lord is Lord of my body as well as my spirit.

Just pray for me.  It’s greatly affecting my ability to communicate lovingly and effectively with my very patient husband.  And the effects are still going.  I was encouraged to keep up my guard against depression.  It’s wise advice that I’m finding hard to listen to, because I am feeling very apathetic already and very much like I don’t really have the strength to fight this.

94 years, 5 months, and 10 days old.

That’s a long time to live.  I can’t even begin to imagine what living through all that he lived through must have been like.  Thrilling, at times, I’m sure, terrifying at others.

I only knew the man for the past 27 years.  I remember going over to the house every Sunday afternoon after church for lunch.  I remember what seemed like the same prayer before every meal.  I remember playing with all the cousins.  I remember being surprised that a hay ride at church was such a big deal.  Didn’t everyone get pulled around in a wagon by their grandad’s tractor?  I remember Pawpaw working in his gardens.  I remember all the churning that had to be done to make ice cream, but it really was the absolute best ice cream I’ve ever had.

I remember falling and cutting open my chin in first grade.  Grandma and Pawpaw came and picked me up from school.  To make me feel better (and I believe to kill some time until my parents got home) they took me to Toys ‘R Us.  They didn’t buy me anything, but I thought it was pretty cool that I was out with my grandparents by myself.

I remember in high school, I would sit at the dining room table and do my homework in the afternoons.  Pawpaw would walk by, and start talking about the weather, or some of his plants, or anything really.  He’d still be talking as he was closing the door.  Later, when he came back in, he’d sound like he was right in the middle of a sentence, or even conversation.  In my teenage-I-know-it-all-mind, I used to think to myself, “Does he know I can’t still hear him when he closes the door?”  I also used to think it funny that he would tell some story about how nice the person bagging the groceries had been when he was at the store the other day.  And he never said a word when he came in and the TV was off (because Grandma had turned it off, because he went outside and left it on, and she didn’t care to watch any of those shows).

As the years have gone by, and I have become wiser, I have come to realize a few things.

Pawpaw noticed the person bagging his groceries.

He hadn’t lost any marbles, but had his mind right through to the end.  Just the other day I was extremely embarrassed because somebody caught me talking to myself as I was looking for my car in a mall parking lot.

Pawpaw meant everything he said at every blessing.  It was too much of an opportunity to pass up praying for everybody.  It was by no means long and drawn out, but always included asking for God’s blessing, asking for forgiveness, acknowledging and thanking God for what Christ did on the cross, and asking for help as we went through the rest of the day/week.

Friday night, on my way to and from the hospice care center, I could not stop thanking God.  Sure I was sad, but I am blessed because of my grandfather.  It was a privilege to even know the man, and an honor to be called his granddaughter.   I know many, if not all of his family, feel this way about him.  He has left us a legacy that is up to us now to continue to pass on to our own children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren – a legacy of prayer and faithful, daily, consistent living.

The verse that keeps coming back to me is in Exodus 20.  God is giving the Israelites the 10 commandments.  Verses 4-6 say, “4 “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  I’m not saying Pawpaw was a perfect man, and he would have been the first to tell you he wasn’t.  But the example he set forth for us can last a lot further than 3 or 4 generations.  I could not have asked for a greater inheritance than the one that has been given me.  I want my children and grandchildren, and great-grandchildren to know of my grandfather, and all that he meant to this family.

The other verses that come to mind were Philippians 4:4-9

.  4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Why these verses are so appropriate:

v. 5 – I never say my grandfather angry.  While my brothers always were trying to be gentle with my grandfather (seemingly a frail, old man), they were always surprised at how strong of a grip he had shaking hands.  His gentleness was evident to all.

v. 6-7 -  His prayers always consisted of thanking Jesus for coming to die on the cross for our sins, asking God for forgiveness, and asking for help to live the way we are supposed to (as well as blessing the food and the people present).  I didn’t see him anxious about anything.  He was pretty much resigned to the fact that things were going to happen in God’s timing and there wasn’t anything he could do to hurry it up if that’s the way it was supposed to be.

v. 8 – This verse was nice to say at a funeral.

v. 9 – This is what my Pawpaw would say to all of us now.  All these things that we remember the most about him, this legacy that he left us, put it into practice and God (Peace) will be with you as long as you do this.

bladder infections are a bitch!