one woman’s struggle

so, I’ve been in a mode for the last . . . maybe couple of weeks . . . where I feel the need to “deal with” and “work through” just about everything.  I’m kind of tired.  It’s really exhausting analyzing everything, and it really just keeps you tense all the time - even if you are doing things to try to help yourself relax.

anyway, I’ve realized in the last couple of hours, what I really want, and need, is to just let go and have a little fun.  I need to not worry about what other people think of me letting go and having fun.  I really need to have that feeling of enjoyment and pleasure in a good, clean, honest, anybody could participate kind of way.

tonight’s task - plan a fun date (as opposed to a romantic date)!

everybody else needs to try their best to help me remember to let go and just enjoy myself in whatever it is I’m doing.  Thanks for the reminders in advance!

I’ve been thinking a lot about faith, trust, and belief a lot recently.

If we say we believe God, or believe that He will do something (like when we ask for healing), why do we/I continue to wonder whether or not he will do it?  If a child asks for some juice, and his mom has told him over and over and over again that if he asks, she will get it for him, does he wonder every time if she will really get him juice?  Not usually.  He asks for juice, mom says sure, and the juice eventually ends up in the child’s hands.  The thing is, there’s usually this waiting period where the mom has to go get a cup and the juice out of the fridge and pour the juice, put the juice contianer back, put a lid on the cup depending on the child’s age, and then take it to the waiting child, who could be in another part of the house.  As children get older, they have more experience with mom getting them juice when they ask, and they stop asking incessantly (like they do when they are very young).  They belive that mom will do what she said she will do.

Does not God love us more than our own parents, or more than we love our children (I know, I don’t have any yet, so I suppose I don’t know this love yet)?  And yet we ask for things that the Lord says to ask for, say that we believe God will do it, and then continue on wondering if God really will.  I mean, after all, he doesn’t heal in every circumstance, right?  And, after all, he doesn’t keeep everyone safe from harm, or there wouldn’t be martyrs.

Don’t get me wrong.  I understand that the scripture that says ask and you will receive really says ask and keep asking until you receive, etc.  I’m not saying we should ask for something one time and then expect God to just do whatever we want him to in every situation.  What I am saying is that I tend to ask ofr healing from the Lord, or even for the body to pray over me for healing in a certain area, and then wonder if God really wants to, or will do it in this case in me EVERY TIME.  My thoughts recently have centered on whether or not I truly believe God.  Do I believe He wants to heal me, even if I’m not sure if there is a bladder infection, but there could be one starting?  If I pray, and get my husband to pray, and I really believe that God hears us and does what we ask according to his word and in His name, then I should act as though it is already done.

Let’s go back the the juice example again.  The child asks for juice.  If the child really believes that mom is getting the juice or will get the juice, the child can go ahead and say thank you.  He knows he will get juice.  The task is already set in motion.  He can be grateful that he has a mother who cares enough for him that she provides for all his needs.  Now, a 3, 4, or 5 year old can’t really express these things, and probably isn’t aware of all these things, but as adult believers in an almighty, all powerful, good and loving Father, we can.   If we believe that God can heal us, and has a desire to heal us, then we need to act as though he is healing/ has healed us.  It might be a long process, and we can continue to ask and remind the Lord of what he has said (”when 2 or more are gathered,” “when we ask according to your Word,” etc.), but I believe we need to start acting like God has heard us and is already doing/has already done what we asked.

I’m thinking that the reality probably goes something like this.  We just aren’t sure that God heard us, or wants to give us what we asked, so we don’t He’s done it.  Therefore, we live as though he hasn’t.  Go back to the juice example.  Mom is getting juice for her child.  It’s all prepared.  She even brings it to him and sets it on the table as he eats dinner.  The juice is right there.  But as long as the child doesn’t see it, or believe that it’s there, he will keep wanting, and possibly asking for juice.  He may even see the juice, but not believe that his mom got it for him, reasoning away that she’s a good mom, and she probably got that for my sibling or herself, or a guest, or whomever.  We would think the child rediculous.  We would hold the juice right in front of the child’s face and say, “here’s the juice you asked for.”  But as long as that child doesn’t believe that juice is his, he’s going to remain thirsty and in want.

In summary, pray, ask, keep asking, and live as though you already have what you’ve asked for.  That’s real faith, belief, and even trust.

I’m grieving the loss of something.

It’s causing me to grieve some of those things that I haven’t grieved in a while, like my grandfather passing.

It’s not a bad time, just a part of life where everything is changing, and there’s no way to return to life as it used to be.  Not that there isn’t something better, deeper, even more meaningful on the other side of this change - but there’s still a grieving process that I’m going through.

And I have learned from a very wise friend, when grief hits, just give yourself time and space to grieve.  Go ahead and grieve when it hits.  It’s healthy, and it’s healing.

I’m trying!

I totally snapped the other night.  It was like this monster just flew out of my mouth, and as it did it ripped through me so that all I felt was this immediate, intense rage. . . and then shock, horror, regret, confusion . . .

Obviously, what followed was an argument, with repeated apologies on my part, in addition to repeated foul language and berratings (of both of us).  At one point, I put myself down really hard, and the Lord immediately let me know that I was not to talk about one if his own in such a way.  I stopped, apologized, took some deep breaths, and tried to look again at what the real issues were.  It became increasingly difficult to focus on the conversation at hand, as the conversation in my head grew louder and more harsh.  Thank you God that you allow me to be able to sleep sometimes.

I wasn’t much better that next morning.  I felt completely out of control of my emotions.  It’s a thought that scares me.  Irrational people are, by definition, not rational.  I hate being in a place where I can say and do things that even I know don’t make any sense whatsoever.

Anyway, the Lord gave me enough grace to put on my spiritual armor, and that helped a lot.  I also asked the Lord to call his saints to pray for me.

While I really feel that this particular episode had almost completely to do with hormones and their normal cycle, I don’t think it’s ever really only chemicals or hormones.  The devil will take any opportunity he can get his hands on.  And the Lord is Lord of my body as well as my spirit.

Just pray for me.  It’s greatly affecting my ability to communicate lovingly and effectively with my very patient husband.  And the effects are still going.  I was encouraged to keep up my guard against depression.  It’s wise advice that I’m finding hard to listen to, because I am feeling very apathetic already and very much like I don’t really have the strength to fight this.

94 years, 5 months, and 10 days old.

That’s a long time to live.  I can’t even begin to imagine what living through all that he lived through must have been like.  Thrilling, at times, I’m sure, terrifying at others.

I only knew the man for the past 27 years.  I remember going over to the house every Sunday afternoon after church for lunch.  I remember what seemed like the same prayer before every meal.  I remember playing with all the cousins.  I remember being surprised that a hay ride at church was such a big deal.  Didn’t everyone get pulled around in a wagon by their grandad’s tractor?  I remember Pawpaw working in his gardens.  I remember all the churning that had to be done to make ice cream, but it really was the absolute best ice cream I’ve ever had.

I remember falling and cutting open my chin in first grade.  Grandma and Pawpaw came and picked me up from school.  To make me feel better (and I believe to kill some time until my parents got home) they took me to Toys ‘R Us.  They didn’t buy me anything, but I thought it was pretty cool that I was out with my grandparents by myself.

I remember in high school, I would sit at the dining room table and do my homework in the afternoons.  Pawpaw would walk by, and start talking about the weather, or some of his plants, or anything really.  He’d still be talking as he was closing the door.  Later, when he came back in, he’d sound like he was right in the middle of a sentence, or even conversation.  In my teenage-I-know-it-all-mind, I used to think to myself, “Does he know I can’t still hear him when he closes the door?”  I also used to think it funny that he would tell some story about how nice the person bagging the groceries had been when he was at the store the other day.  And he never said a word when he came in and the TV was off (because Grandma had turned it off, because he went outside and left it on, and she didn’t care to watch any of those shows).

As the years have gone by, and I have become wiser, I have come to realize a few things.

Pawpaw noticed the person bagging his groceries.

He hadn’t lost any marbles, but had his mind right through to the end.  Just the other day I was extremely embarrassed because somebody caught me talking to myself as I was looking for my car in a mall parking lot.

Pawpaw meant everything he said at every blessing.  It was too much of an opportunity to pass up praying for everybody.  It was by no means long and drawn out, but always included asking for God’s blessing, asking for forgiveness, acknowledging and thanking God for what Christ did on the cross, and asking for help as we went through the rest of the day/week.

Friday night, on my way to and from the hospice care center, I could not stop thanking God.  Sure I was sad, but I am blessed because of my grandfather.  It was a privilege to even know the man, and an honor to be called his granddaughter.   I know many, if not all of his family, feel this way about him.  He has left us a legacy that is up to us now to continue to pass on to our own children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren - a legacy of prayer and faithful, daily, consistent living.

The verse that keeps coming back to me is in Exodus 20.  God is giving the Israelites the 10 commandments.  Verses 4-6 say, “4 “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. 5 You shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, 6 but showing love to a thousand {generations} of those who love me and keep my commandments.”  I’m not saying Pawpaw was a perfect man, and he would have been the first to tell you he wasn’t.  But the example he set forth for us can last a lot further than 3 or 4 generations.  I could not have asked for a greater inheritance than the one that has been given me.  I want my children and grandchildren, and great-grandchildren to know of my grandfather, and all that he meant to this family.

The other verses that come to mind were Philippians 4:4-9

.  4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Why these verses are so appropriate:

v. 5 - I never say my grandfather angry.  While my brothers always were trying to be gentle with my grandfather (seemingly a frail, old man), they were always surprised at how strong of a grip he had shaking hands.  His gentleness was evident to all.

v. 6-7 -  His prayers always consisted of thanking Jesus for coming to die on the cross for our sins, asking God for forgiveness, and asking for help to live the way we are supposed to (as well as blessing the food and the people present).  I didn’t see him anxious about anything.  He was pretty much resigned to the fact that things were going to happen in God’s timing and there wasn’t anything he could do to hurry it up if that’s the way it was supposed to be.

v. 8 - This verse was nice to say at a funeral.

v. 9 - This is what my Pawpaw would say to all of us now.  All these things that we remember the most about him, this legacy that he left us, put it into practice and God (Peace) will be with you as long as you do this.

bladder infections are a bitch!

Last night I was feeling very vulnerable.  Maybe vulnerable isn’t the right word.  I was feeling very weak, and like the enemy was going to prey on my weaknesses of the mind and heart to try to get me down. . . and it worked for a little while.  It was a rough night, and all I did was go to a baby shower.

This morning, I awoke from a really wierd dream, and (since he asked) I was telling him about it when he cut me off with, “Please stop.  I get it.  It was really wierd.”  Anyway, of course, I am completely hurt and crushed that he won’t listen to the rest of the story, which is only one more sentence, but he won’t hear of it.  I take it personally, because obviously he’s just not that interested in what’s really going on inside of me.  He doesn’t want to know who I am on the deepest level.  Besides, it’s ugly, and a huge mess, and dangerous in there.  I mean, he can love me in spite of all that, but he doesn’t need, or want to know, all the details.

Of course, this all crushes me, because of my desire to know and be deeply known.  And, of course, I am pretty sure that almost all of that is only in my head, and not really any of it is meant by him, but that’s how I felt this morning.  Even if he said it wasn’t necessarily all true, I would have a hard time believing him.  I would think, “He thinks it’s not true, but that’s because he hasn’t sat down and analyzed what’s really going on behind those actions and thoughts of his.  If he did, he would realize that there’s at least some of it that is true.”  I don’t know what I suppose that would be, but again, this is what goes on in my head.

Which all leads me to ask the question, what’s really going on in my head, that I am freaking out this much over him asking me to stop telling him something that was really freaking him out?  What’s the root issue here?  Is it tha I don’t feel loved?  I don’t think so, because I even think that he loves me inspite of all this mess.  So, back to my core fears - underneath it all, I really am truly unlovable.  Yeah, that hits a little close to home.  And yes, I’m aware that I just contradicted myself, but I didn’t really if you look close enough.  I think what’s playing on that core fear is I feel like no one wants to really be intimate.  I’m talking about between friends, I guess - the need to be known.

I know the Lord knows me and loves me in spite of my fallen, depraved self.  And I know that I have been longing, more and more, to know the Lord more deeply.  Is this desire/longing spilling over into my relationship with my husband?  Is this a good thing?  Are my expectations in the wrong place?  Is this normal?  Am I just emotional?  Or is it that these things only really show themselves when I fall apart?

Sounds like a good place to start talking to a therapist!

I’ve got no idea when these things were written, but I know it’s been a long time, maybe a year or more.  I found a couple of papers folded together, so I believe they were from the same night.  The house church group really ministered to me that night if I remember correctly.  Or, I guess I should say God ministered to me.

On one paper I wrote:

And so now I wonder how many of my depression “episodes” are happening out of habit - or, for that matter - continuing out of habit.  Do I know what to do to stop them, or prevent/correct them, or do instead of them.  That’s a pretty big problem - not knowing what ese to think about instead of the habitual self-depricating thoughts.        Hmmm….. so what do I do now?

On another sheet of paper was a poem written by another in the group that she got while we were worshipping the Lord:

Work through the moments, move through the pains

Turn to Me and present the stains

Let Me see your wounds, let them bleed on Me

For I long to heal, I long to see

Walk straight to me through the blazing fire

I know it hurts, I know you tire.

But it takes some work to seek Me out

But I’m waiting . . .

Yes, the Lord left it hanging like that.  It is supposed to be unresolved there at the end.  I think, even now, that is because he’s not finished writing this poem yet.  And I’m okay with that.  That’s not to say that I don’t long for the resolution, but the Lord has been working on me having peace & patience.

I want to back down off the Sam-e even more, just to see if I can, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea.  School is about to start, which is stressful enough.  I will be teaching a new grade, with new curriculum, etc.  I will also have 11 new families to meet and figure out how they work and have them figure out how I work.  There will be lots of questions and conversations that need to happen.  Whenever there is a question, I always get defensive, as if they are attacking the way I do something and they know there’s a better way for it to be done.  I’ve found through the years that this is almost never the case.  The reason they are asking the question is because they want to know the answer.  They aren’t trying to be manipulative.  Sometimes they do have an idea, and it is better than the way I’m doing it.  But again, they aren’t trying to manipulate me to show how much better than me they are, making me feel incompetent in the process.  This is something that I am constantly trying to work on with myself - not everyone is trying to manipulate me.  I’ll face this issue whether I’m feeling good or not.  The only difference is how I handle it, or rather that I handle it.  I want to be able to handle it well.

I guess I could always try it.  If it doesn’t work, and I go into another crash, I can bump the Sam-e back up.  I might have to for the winter anyway.  I’ve tried to take tyrosine, which is an amino acid that helps with changing some of those neurotransmitters into and out of whatever they are supposed to be to work at optimal levels.  In other words, I could have enough seratonin or dopamine or whatever in my system, but if it’s not being processed correctly, it doesn’t matter.  I have been very in consistent with the tyrosine.  If I can work on the consistency, then perhaps I can back off the Sam-e.

Yes, I know, technically it’s the middle of the summer, but I suddenly felt like it was basically over and I didn’t get the break or down time I was hoping for.

So, I told the mother of the 2 boys I have nannied this summer that I didn’t want to exasperate her children any further, and that I would help her out if I needed to, but that I really couldn’t do any more.

Maybe now I will have some time to do some of those things that I had been wanting to do all summer . . . like -

- go spend some time with the children and mothers in the house church group that I am committed to for more than just a summer.

- organize all my old school stuff.

- get familiar with the new curriculum and have whole days to just pore over the texts and think of a really great lesson.

- work on my quilt.

- watch the kids here at the house so their mom can get some things checked off her list (or have time by herself)  while I invest in them.

- read some more books for pleasure.

Perhaps the fun dates I’ve been planning with my hubby will help as well!